Insular Society

Been pondering societal evolution and the impact of technology on the masses. Is it just me or are we all becoming hermits?

I signed up for Match.com a month or so ago. Haven't met anyone there worth asking out so far. But the fact that so many people (including myself now it seems) prefer meeting others through a computer as opposed to in person really weighs on my conscience. Granted there are few options in a small town for a divorcee workaholic but what happened to the days we would go out with our friends just to meet people? At the least you would expand your circle of friends.

Technology and class conflict have created a new age where computers and cell phones have replaced human interaction. Using these mediums we can pretend to be the person we wish we were rather than simply being who we are. The simple joys of laughing with a friend are limited to an occasional Friday night out at a bar. Relationships are now more about what we can get out of them and meeting some regurgitated "ideal" that the television screen convinced us is what our psyche requires.

I fear that this mindset will be the downfall of western society. We expect everything to be handed us and we are losing our ability to think outside the box for ourselves. Eastern philosophies of bettering ones self and fellow man seem far more ideal to me. Just random thoughts on my lunch break. Always interested in hearing feedback.

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Poem: Finality

Enigma wrapped in shrouds of sanity
Tortured truths veiled by brutality

Mystic memories of unfilled promises
Intentions annihilated...

Does your mirror speak?
Can you face your dreams?
Does betrayal fade for you
In a haze of rationale?
Can you drink your guilt away?

Hidden in plain sight
A convergence of empty souls
Congregating on the plateau of apathy
Society's torment and abysmal failing

We fornicate to forget
We chain what we cannot control
We scorn what we cannot discern
Religion and atheism in solidarity

Can anyone break away?
Break the mold?
Can the clones draw a line in the sand?
No more will we promulgate
The inane preachings of the masses

The pleasure of the pain
The intellect of ignorance
The beauty in the grotesque
The truth in the unknowing

When the synapses cease
Does the knowledge die as well?
Does this bit of comprehension
Join a cosmos of consciousness?
Is this the true God?

Or does oblivion create a cycle
A circle of solitude and pointless faith?

We create to destroy
We love to kill
We die to live

For in finality is a new beginning
And in each moment we find the end of truth
If only we would listen...

Silent Victims

Been thinking lately about people who willingly get involved in abusive relationships. A good friend is getting out of one and seems to have a good head on her shoulders about it but many women (and some men im sure) seem to be drawn to these destructive situations. I try not to judge too harshly having never been in a physically abusive relationship as an adult (as either victim or perpetrator) but there is one thing that bothers me... people with kids.

Maybe I'm wrong but it is hard to feel too bad for a parent who willingly chooses to get involved with someone who they know from the start is abusive. I dont care what promises he makes about "oh I've changed. It will be different this time." We all know those words are bullshit. If you are so driven by primal infatuation that you are willing to endanger yourself that is bad enough but why drag your children with you? At best you are scarring them for life and raising the chances they will grow up to be abusive or victims themselves. At worst you are putting them in physical danger.

This is what insomnia does to me. Makes me think.

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Things I Hate

Just sitting here on a sunday morning trying to find something to dull the pain of my throbbing shoulder and thinking of the things I hate and loathe in life. Not that anyone cares, but I'm feeling rather random...

1. Random people
2. Barney (but then who doesn't?)
3. All other forms of disturbing preschool video entertainment (Teletubbies anyone?)
4. Country music
5. Bendy straws (don't ask)
6. Apple juice (for the same reason as bendy straws)
7. People who get pissed off at you for leaving them 8:30 AM texts to let them know you made it to your flight (sorry I thought you might give a shit since we are such good friends)
8. All you fucking emo assholes (you are just fucking preps and no amount of black clothing or makeup can cover up that fact; climb into the back of your daddy's hybrid and go hug a tree)
9. This stupid kiddie vampire craze (see emo assholes above)
10. Twilight (see stupid emo kiddie vampires above)
11. All these holier-than-thou hybrid drivers who give me dirty looks while driving my GMC Yukon (one of these days I'm just gonna run your ass over)
12. Hot young chicks that I know I'm getting too old for (does this belong in the hate column?)
13. Anyone who doesn't get heavy metal (would you rather I take my more aggressive tendencies out in a physical manner like punching your preachy face into a bloody pulp? I didn't think so...)

I'm sure there are many many more. But 13 is a good number to stop at. Back to the latest Psychostick and How To Destroy Angels albums....

Types of Love

One thing I've noticed in life is that there are all sorts of different kinds of love.

There is the kind of love that forms a deep bond that endures, but is not necessarily any kind of infatuation. This would be the kind of love children have for their parents or we have for a childhood friend we don't get to see as often as we would like (hey Ivan, what's up?).

On the more romantic side, there are still different styles of amor. Some just grab you and fade away quickly. Others can last a lifetime but not truly change you. There is another kind though, the kind most of us run from. The kind of love that is difficult and takes a lot of work but makes us see ourselves for what we can be rather than what we are. Other people looking in may say "those two will never make it." Certainly it is seldom easy, but it is always worthwhile.

Modern society has reduced our attention span to that of a soundbite. We expect instant gratification and satisfaction. Romance novels and movies often make it look like this kind of love will just fall into our laps. Sometimes it does. But are we willing to fight for it? Are we willing to make it work to better ourselves and the other person? Unfortunately in life most people aren't. This kind of love can hurt like hell at times; but the best things in life are not free. They are built with blood and sweat and tears. And we are always better for it in the end.

Apathy Is Death

Dear God:

This is not a rant or an attempt at what my religious zealot friends would term blasphemy but a true explanation for my deeply-held beliefs and a challenge for you to prove me wrong (hasn't happened yet). As an agnostic I don't discount the possibility of the existence of a higher power but I do seriously doubt that power (assuming for the sake of argument there is one) is anything like what I was brought up to believe.

They say you know the beginning from the end and that you are love. Yet I've read the Bible and I've read many of the texts that man decided to omit from the Bible. The vast majority of it seems to my moral compass to be pure evil. Supporting slavery and the subjugation of women, torture, murder, polygamy, filicide, the list goes on (okay, so maybe the polygamy wouldn't be so bad except it's hard enough to handle one woman let alone more). This hardly seems to be The Word of a loving God does it? And if you know the beginning from the end, it hardly stands to reason that you simply "changed your mind" regarding these crucial moral issues 2,000 years ago.

Instead, as a thinking and rational person, I must conclude that what Christians deem The Good Book is actually a collection of two very different religious perspectives combined into one. The first being archaic and, dare I say, primitive while the other being of a somewhat more modern and pacifist nature (though even the "modern" sects that hold to these beliefs often use it to justify murder and rape of the innocent, such as the Catholic church standing on the sidelines during the holocaust or the PIRA).

The contradictions of Christianity aside, simple logic and my belief in the good of humanity despite its many flaws prevent me from buying into this blind faith. We read about these great miracles and magical wonders performed in the Bible yet see so little evidence in reality. They appear to be simply stories. Where are you while a child is being raped by his own parent or a priest or a preacher? You stand by and do nothing. NOTHING! Say what you want about free will, but if I had the power to stop atrocities I would in every single case. What justification can you make for this? This apathetic indifference to the plight of the innocent? Does this make those children stronger? Does it make them better able to face society as they mature? Tell me! Prove to me that you care. I don't follow you one bit but I do what I can to stop atrocities as I see them. So don't tell me that when a human being saves another that is your hand. Show me a fucking miracle and maybe I will start to believe. Until then, as far as I am concerned, you are a spectator reading the box scores as Mulder once said on X-Files. And it is up to those of us who still care to do what we can. I would rather burn in hell than to serve such an uncaring God.

This is just my opinion and I fully respect the fact that faith gives strength. It is undoubtedly helpful to the human psyche. But as someone who has studied and tried to be intellectually honest, I cannot in good conscience continue to believe in the face of what humanity has become without divine intervention. So, this is my challenge to the Christian God: show that you care or die in the hearts of man.

Sincerely,

DeJuan N. Onley

True Friends, Part Deux

An incident occurred a couple weeks ago that follows on my previous blog entry about true friends. A young woman who I considered one of my closest friends was out acting like a Junior High girl gossiping about me and spreading lies about me and my brother. Being in my 30's and not into drama I simply stopped having any form of real contact with this person and who knows if I will ever receive an apology.

It drove home to me just how fake people can be. This girl would always tell me she loved me and that we might be together as more than friends one day and how she thought I was just such an awesome guy. Now when I see her she will barely look at me and seems afraid to even speak. I never confronted her about what she did so I'm guessing she realizes she was caught.

I believe that everyone wants to be a good person deep down. I wonder how two-faced manipulators, liars, gossipers, and cheaters are able to look at themselves in the mirror at night. Do they realize what they do is wrong? Do they ever want to apologize or make amends for their actions? Or do they try to endlessly justify those actions by coming up with some kind of excuse? It is so hard for me to empathize because I simply don't have any desire to be like that.

Losing a good friend to betrayal is harder than losing a lover in many ways, and who knows what the future will bring? Maybe she will have a change of heart and learn from this experience. I wish her no ill will nor anyone else. Another chapter in life has closed.

True Friends

Lately I have come to a stark and sobering realization. True friendship and companionship is hard to find. I have always tried very hard to be there for my friends and lovers. I pick them up if they have had too much to drink. I help them out financially whenever I am able without ever asking to be paid back. I call off work to help them even (something I never do for myself)! Yet very few of these friends have ever gone out of their way for me. I remember Kurt and Ivan coming to visit me after Kim broke my heart at 19 and now they are my bros forever. I remember Dawn coming on one of the worst nights of my life. I remember Charlene driving two hours to see me just because I needed a friend. I remember a hug from Becky that came at just the right time. Aside from these memories, though, there are few times in my life where any friend or family member has ever gone out of their way for me without some ulterior motive on their part.

I always try to see the silver lining in life and these last couple of years have been full of trials. I see it as a challenge to better myself and make a better future. It has also led me to realize that few of my friends are truly as thoughtful of me as I have always tried to be of them. Granted, I have not always been perfect and we all make mistakes. But how many of my friends have made the effort to be there for me... truly? Are these nothing more than acquaintances that use me for their own benefit?

This new chapter in life means a new beginning. Out with those "friends" who don't deserve the label. It's time to start over.

FWB

What is the difference between a Friend With Benefits and a real loving partnership that will last a lifetime? I suppose that all depends on your definition of the two and the amount of weight you put into semantics. Speaking from my own experience, I have had three serious relationships and several FWBs.

When you boil it down all relationships come down to a mixture of several fundamental elements: 1) honesty, 2) communication, 3) physical, 4) emotional, 5) intellectual. Most anything that really matters in any kind of relationship can be linked to one or more of these things.

For most people in western society a serious relationship means distrust and possessiveness. It is sad, but true. We want to own and control our partner. We fear betrayal so we sow the seeds of betrayal by giving into our own suspicions. Our fear of losing the person we love makes us irrational and makes us watch their every move and push them away until the point where one of us actual engages in the very act of betrayal we suspect to be inevitable. So honesty and communication are completely ignored even though they are the cornerstones of a successful relationship.

Eastern philosophies teach us not to treat relationships as things to fear, but to cherish. Friendship and trust come first, before all else. You can't love someone without trust and openness. If you truly love something you let it go free. If it comes back to you then you know it is meant to last. Isn't that what a friend is? Someone we trust wholeheartedly and can share anything with without the fear of judgment or vain jealousy? Therefore, is it not possible that what some of us call a Friend With Benefits is actually the epitome of what could be a true lifelong relationship that will stand the tests of time and temptation?

Deadbeat Dads

Long Island Iced Tea + Bad Day = another brooding and ranting session. How about deadbeat dads as a target of my righteous ire tonight?

Do these guys have any idea what they have thrown away? Do they have any clue how many guys out there would kill to know what it is like to be a father, to raise a child and hold him/her in your arms and know this is the one and only way you can live on after death finally takes you? As someone who missed the opportunity, I have no compassion or empathy for these worthless wastes of skin.

I've made it very clear that I couldn't care less about God; that if He/She/It/They exist, they must be the most uncaring and pathetic creature in existence to allow the atrocities of this world to continue. Still... if there is anything that could be described as a miracle, it is procreation. If there is anything in this world truly worth cherishing for life, it is to have someone you can watch grow and mature; someone you can help to mold into a productive member of society in the hopes that they can bring some hope and benefit to this cold heartless planet.

So to all you deadbeats out there, just give it a week of truly trying to be a decent specimen of a human being. I have no doubt you will find the reward far outweighs any "inconvenience" it may bring to your life.

How Are You Today?

Why do we say to people "how are you today"? Seriously, does anybody really want an honest answer to that question? You expect the recipient to reply with "fine" or "good" or something short and at least neutral if not a positive response. If the person we ask responds with an honest drawn-out explanation of what a terrible day they may be having, we mentally roll our eyes and try to listen with feigned interest and understanding.

No, we don't want honesty. It's just an expression that we subconsciously hope will not be taken literally because 90% of the time most of us really have no interest in the well-being of others. We are too self-absorbed and jaded by our own lives and tribulations to bother with caring for another human being. Just something to think about.

Who Are You?

I saw your face. I looked into your eyes for that brief instant as we drove past each other in the parking lot. We glimpse hundreds of strangers every day and normally never truly see them. Just this once, for this one moment, I tried to see you.

What do you dream about? What gives you chills? Has life taught you to enjoy every drop of rain as well as each ray of sunlight? Or has it made you bitter and cold, unable to feel warmth for fear of the betrayal you are certain is to come in the morn? Do you aspire to greatness at the expense of others? Or do you see greatness and potential in all those around you?

Can you feel completely empty and lonely with a lover's arms wrapped around you? Can you feel rich with a negative balance in your checking account? Are you a product of life or do you shape life into a sculpture of your choosing?

As society drifts further and further from any semblance of humanity it becomes nigh-impossible to show your true self to others. Those who live without fear of displaying their nature, we lock up or prescribe pills. They are mirrors in which we see ourselves with dread; we dare not gaze upon them lest we revert to some primitive state of existence that actually shows some real emotion instead of the pretty world we view through rose-colored glasses.

So who are you really? If I met you again in person would I ever truly know?

Prayer Chains

Religious types do not read! I am going to blast away like I haven't for a very long time and you will be offended! You have been warned.

I just got one of those email forwards... the kind I usually delete without even opening. I opened this one and I regret it. This was one of those "pray for so-and-so" emails. In this case it was for a kid supposedly dying of cancer. Most such emails are scams where people are looking to collect money, but this one seems legitimate because it doesn't ask for donations or give any means to do so. In a way, that only angered me all the more.

Certainly, someone who believes in prayer would say "so what" or "this is beautiful" or "I will add him to my prayer list." I have so many problems with this I don't know where to begin.

First of all, what makes this particular child worthy of our attention above the millions of others suffering from similar ailments (before you go off on me for this question, please read the rest of what I have to say)? Because he is in an email? That seems rather selfish to me. No child should have to die like this... ever. Do these people ever question what kind of God would allow such a thing in the first place?

Second, if he gets better all you Christians are going to say "our prayers have been answered" and if he passes away you will say "it must have been God's will" or "the Lord works in mysterious ways." How convenient. Win or lose, God is never at fault right? He is good to the end, no matter what heinous atrocities this world commits on the innocent. Evil is the work of Satan and good is the work of God. God allows evil for reasons we are not able to understand even though He has the power to stop it. This is the most asinine, blindly-stupid, and irrational line of reasoning that has ever existed in the history of mankind. Did you know there have actually been scientific double-blind studies to determine the true impact of prayer on things such as medical conditions... and that those studies have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that prayer has absolutely zero impact on the outcome? If you are a blindly ignorant Christian you probably don't care.

In the meantime, this may be a real case. A real child may be struck with this horrible illness and our best hope resides with a higher being that has never (outside of fictional biblical tales) shown any real interest in the plight of humanity?

That is the real tragedy here. That our society is so devoid of hope and humanity we have to resort to an email prayer chain to try to save a child. Raise some money to get this kid the best medical care possible! Give him a trip to Disney World (or whatever his dream may be) and spoil him rotten because every day in life is precious and a child is a true miracle in this world that should not be squandered in pointless devotion to an uncaring deity that has never done a damn thing for you or me.

Morality Of Humanity

Drinking tequila again. That means thinking. There is a fundamental debate that has raged for centuries. A question that is answered differently by various psychological theories. Is mankind inherently good or inherently evil? Are our moral principles a matter of faith, a product of experience, or somehow intertwined with our DNA?

I personally believe that all of these theories have merit. There is one commonality amongst all major faiths that cannot be fully explained: "do no harm" or "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." This basic principle is so strongly ingrained in belief systems around the world that one has to conclude it is a fundamental principle common to all of humanity... thus a biological or evolutionary moral trait.

Still, there is no denying that life experiences and the teachings of our childhood from parents, teachers, and other authority figures all help to shape our outlook on life and distinguishing right from wrong. One has to only look at the willingness of a suicide bomber to sacrifice themselves and kill civilians for a political cause to see how the simple principle of "do no harm" can be so twisted and distorted that it can make an otherwise sane human being commit unspeakable acts of cruelty while still believing they are doing what is "right."

The question still remains. Are human beings inherently good or inherently evil? My personal belief is that we all have both within ourselves. No person is 100% pure or 100% terrible. To deny our darker side is to give it a power to control us. Most serial killers believe they are acting on the authority of God because they refuse to acknowledge they have evil within themselves.

This revelation has led me to a new outlook on life and humanity. I no longer find myself either willing to completely trust a person nor to completely condemn them. My best friend could betray me at a moment's notice if doing so fit within their personal code of morality. Conversely, even the most repulsive of individuals probably have some reason for their actions that is most likely beyond my ability to empathize with.

The ability to look into our own personal darkness--into the abyss of immorality--is as critical to our soul's salvation (if such a thing as a soul truly exists) as is the willingness to embrace selflessness and purity. Balance in all things. This is what religion fails to teach.

Is Universal Healthcare Really A Choice?

Let's just dive right into the overly-emotionally-charged political debate of the hour--Obamacare. As always, I suggest taking a step back from the rhetoric of both sides and look at things objectively.

Republicans and Democrats are both saying "this will be the end result" but unless I'm mistaken none of them are Nostradamus. The bottom line of the introduction of any government program is that its future direction will be ultimately decided and shaped by the changing winds of politics. In other words, though Democrats now control the federal government, it is historically safe to say this will not always be the case. Those on the left who are so staunchly supportive of this health care "reform" would be wise to consider what will happen when Republicans (or some future third party) takes control of the program. Likewise, those on the right need to be objective about the issue and focus their arguments less on rhetoric and more on actual fact.

Most people in this country have a healthy skepticism when it comes to government (in)efficiency. And with good reason. The greatest government program--Social Security--is a bankrupt system hanging on by a thread that even the most liberal of politicians admit is unsustainable in the long-run. This being said, the government is not a business and therefore does not really need to run itself with the intent of creating a profit for its stockholders. This idea of having a government-run healthcare option to compete with private insurance companies on an equal footing is therefore flawed in every way. The most efficient federal bureaucracy could never be equal to the most inefficient corporation in the private sector... the very nature of it and the sheer size of such an organization preclude the possibility. Therefore, the only way for them to compete is to cripple the corporations and force them to limit their care only to what the government is willing to provide (such a provision does in fact exist within the current House bill).

In simplest terms, this means that if the current bill becomes law, under the new system the insurance companies will not be allowed to cover medication or treatment unless the government is also willing to cover it. You will not be allowed to pay for extra coverage out of your own pocket even if you have the means to do so! This is a fact not disputed by anybody and is one of the driving forces behind the growing opposition.

So if you follow this train of thought to its logical conclusion, government health care is not choice as the current administration would have us believe. You can get your tax-subsidized health care, or you can get coverage you pay for. Either way, you will get the same coverage. Some choice, huh? Obviously, this makes private health insurance a useless expense. I sure wouldn't pay for it under this system and I can't imagine why anybody would. If I did purchase private insurance I would be paying for it twice... my taxes would pay for the "free" program while my hard-earned dollars would pay for another insurance package that provided the exact same thing.

This being said, the Republican party is missing a golden opportunity here... as they have over and over again in recent memory. The chance to become a party for positive change, not just negativity. Their current strategy seems to be to oppose everything coming from the Democratic party but not provide any realistic and sound alternatives that would appeal to the American people. It is an undeniable fact that health care costs are sky-rocketing at an unsustainable rate. There are many practical reforms that could be made to encourage more free enterprise while reducing costs, rather than taking the opposite approach of government control over yet another large aspect of the American economy (isn't it bad enough we gave up the auto industry?). How about realistic tort reform? If we feel the need to spend tax dollars, we could always institute a basic coverage option for the needy (an expansion of the existing Medicaid program for example) while still allowing the option of purchasing additional coverage. These simple steps are virtually guaranteed to stem the tide of escalating costs without crippling America's status as a leader in medical technology and innovation. Yet I have heard of no serious Republican proposals to enforce such change.

Once again, I find myself in the unique position of not being able to agree with either political party due to their incompetence and basic lack of common sense let alone the capacity for any real intellectual reasoning. I fear this is the result of the degradation of our educational system. We are producing morons in our schools and the worst of them become politicians.

Tolerance of Intolerance

Some days being an intellectually-honest agnostic is harder than others. Perhaps my Christian friends will understand better if I put it in their terms. Imagine if every weekend some guys came knocking on your door handing out literature proclaiming their devotion to Satan and trying to convert you to wash in the blood of the innocent or some such garbage. You would be sickened (and rightfully so I must add). Furthermore you are verbally assaulted by well-meaning people every day saying you just don't understand how wonderful it is to worship the Lord of Darkness. You know they are just concerned for your soul and think you are following the wrong religion, but you are so certain in your beliefs that nothing they say will ever convince you otherwise.

This is what it is like for me and those like me.

I truly and completely believe that everyone has a right to their own beliefs and to follow in those beliefs in any way they see fit so long as they are not hurting anyone. I don't go around tearing down crosses or protest against Christmas (which is actually a pagan holiday, not Christian anyway) or Easter for that matter. I have no problem with Santa Claus or nativity scenes on public property.

Despite this attitude of tolerance, the absolute intolerance of Christianity really grates at me some days. For the most part I keep my mouth shut, but occasionally my frustration comes out in my dark humor which I've found most people just don't understand. Try making a joke about Jesus or the cross someday and you'll see how pissed off these loving and tolerant Christians can get.

If I can speak for other agnostics (notice that I've excluded atheists which can be as intolerant as Christians), we are mostly a thick-skinned group of people. You can make fun of Mark Twain or Einstein all you want or of agnosticism in general. Unfortunately, most religious individuals are too ignorant of what agnosticism is and wrongfully equate it with atheism or deism.

As an agnostic and a realist, I know this is something I can never change. The hate that is the basis of Christianity is one of the primary reasons I turned away from it long ago (not to mention their lack of humor). Every day provides me with more proof that I made the right decision by choosing the path of openness and honesty and an intellectually-sound search for Truth. I don't let some child-molesting man behind a pulpit tell me what to do. And I don't read a book written and compiled by men blinded by power and riches to define my beliefs.

So go ahead Christians. Throw your flames. They have no effect on me. I'll just sit here and laugh.

Of course, I know not all Christians are this way. Those few of you who are good people, please disregard. No group can ever be wholly defined in any meaningful way.

Fork Thief

I think the sock thief has a vindictive cousin or something. I got my revenge on that fucker but now all my forks are missing! Coincidence? I think not. I'm down to one regular fork and a shitload of salad forks. I had two, but after making enchiladas for someone at work, one of those went missing. I know... I should just buy new ones, but I caught the sock thief so I'm on a mission to catch this guy now.

Void

Another quickly written and sucky poem...

---

Void

Shadows of oblivion
Stretch 'cross starry expanse
Tarnished dreams set sail
On mists of shattered desire

Cruel fate brings death
Decaying flesh an aspiration
Devoid of delusion, determined
Persistent prospects of prosperity

Endless void brings nothing
Room for new beginnings
Embrace the dark horizon
Apocalyptic adumbration

A single star within the night
Anticipation for tomorrow
Dawn breaks upon the sands
Births a specter of expectation

Unattainable Pursuit

I spent part of this past weekend with a girl I really care about a lot. I would like her to be more than a friend yet I feel sometimes like she is playing games with my heart. I doubt she does it intentionally because she is too good a person for that.

We've been friends for months now and I've been very open about my feelings for her (not in the stupid high school-slobbery way, just matter-of-fact). She's said she feels the same way, but she keeps coming up with excuses why we can't be more while at the same time saying "someday" we might be.

She gets upset if she hears about me going out or having "relations" with another girl yet she has this guy who lives far away that she calls her "boyfriend". The other night she flat-out told me that she's committed to this other guy but she could see herself with me if things don't work out with him. So I'm the second choice? I won't give details because I respect her too much, but let's just say that this isn't the kind of guy you want to think of yourself as a second choice to. I know more about him and what he's up to than I can tell her (because she won't believe me if I do), but he's playing her. Even if she remains just a good friend, I can't bear to see her get hurt by this guy. I care for her that much that I would give up anything to see her happy.

Anyway, the whole situation has had me thinking. Why pursue someone like that? If she is going to tell me one day she loves me and that I'm very special to her and the next that she feels guilty because she's so in love with this other guy... that sounds like a girl who is playing a guy. Intellectually, that is how it appears. Emotionally, that's not how it feels. So back to the question: why? I'm smart enough to see the problem yet I'm still drawn to her. Its one of two things. Either she is really a great person and is going to realize soon that what she's doing to me is wrong and we are going to be very happy together, or maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm just drawn to these situations for reasons I have yet to determine; subconscious reasons that I cannot even verbalize.

In any case, I'm not waiting around for a girl who keeps treating me like that. My feelings are very strong for her, but I'm not going to wait in the wings. I live my life as a single guy and I'm fine with that. Got my friends and I can do whatever I want without having to answer to anyone. If she wants to be a FWB, I'll be the best I can, or if it's just friends without the "B" I can do that very well also... and if she wants more someday and I'm not seeing anyone seriously at that point I'll definitely give her a chance.

Either way, I wish her the best. She is one of the best girls I have ever known. Whether she gives me the chance or not, I would do anything for her and I hope she knows it. Friendship and honesty come first in everything to me.

Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Just thought I'd write a quick list of my turn-offs and turn-ons with regards to women. As always, I hold nothing back, so forgive me if some of this is TMI (you can always choose not to read and just look at my other blog posts that may be less personal in nature).

Turn-Ons

1. Honesty--without trust, even the most casual relationship is doomed to failure and heartache. The more serious relationships can cause a wound that lasts a lifetime if betrayal is the end result. You can't have trust without honesty, so there is no more important element than this, even if it is only a casual relationship with no long-term plans.
2. Smile--Nothing makes me melt more than a heart-felt smile. Maybe I'm a sucker, but there it is.
3. Scent--I can't speak for everyone, but smell is a greater sense for me than sight. A girl can look like a supermodel, but if she doesn't smell good I have no interest. The most attractive woman for me is the one whose scent lingers on long after we have parted ways.
   
4. Intellect--Smart is sexy. Don't have to be a female Einstein, but someone who can carry on a conversation in complete sentences is far more attractive to me than one whose most oft-heard phrase is: "whatever".
5. Good Legs--This is one of my favorite physical traits. Enough said.
6. Sexual Openness--Why be a prude? It is far more fun to be open with each other about sexuality and explore things we may or may not have tried before. No need to be pushy, just willing. That's a two-way street.
   

Turn-Offs

1. Lying--There is no greater turn-off than this. I have had plenty of liars and cheaters in my life. Enough is enough.
2. Stink--There is no greater physical turn-off than a woman who smells. That goes for any part of the body ladies. Sorry if this offends you, but it's the truth that most guys are unwilling to say out loud.
3. Body Hair--I hate hair in general. On the head is fine. Otherwise it is unseemly. At least keep it trimmed down.
4. Anger Management Issues--in other words, being a psychotic bitch. Some guys think a bitchy girl is one with spirit. Laid-back or "nice" guys think it is just a waste of time and energy to try and deal with a haughty attitude. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but trying to act like you should rule the world and everyone should bow down to you all the time seems very un-ladylike to me.
5. Jealousy--I don't cheat... ever. I don't expect the girl to either. As I said above, trust and honesty are crucial to me. I don't mind if the girl flirts a little or dances with another guy (especially since I hate to dance anyway). I trust that the girl is still going home with me; if she doesn't, then obviously our relationship wasn't very strong to begin with. So I don't get jealous... period. It is hard for me to deal with a girl who is always getting mad at me because I have female friends; my friends were there years before my girl came into my life and if she can't trust me, then it's not meant to be.